By popular demand...

Halloween is done. Now there are no more consumer relevant holidays until Christmas. Fortunately we can exercise our free market rights between now and then by shopping until our credit limits have been bloodied and beaten. Of course nothing has come to symbolize those rights more than the jolly old elf himself, Santa Claus. But Santa Claus is so old school. Not edgy. Not dangerous. Not patentable.

One of the true blessings that has come from combining democracy with free markets, besides the complete negation of our own humanity, is the ability, nay the requirement, to adapt all things to the service of the gods of marketing.

Take the lowly penguin for example. You cannot use it for food, unless you are shipwrecked on Elephant Island, just ask Shackleton. You cannot be used for clothing, they do not go with anything you own. We have been totally unsuccessful training them to flip hamburgers, so they are of no use to the service industry.

But wait. We can use them for marketing. They certainly have no bearing on Easter, or Queen Victoria's birthday but how about Christmas. Perfect! Penguins are cute and entirely meaningless in that context so lets use them to market Christmas.

But wait. We are in Alberta. And we are Albertans. We have our own mythology. We believe in the ethics of hard work, determination, the individual, god and sparkly vampires. We are not like those communists in B.C. and Saskatchewan, we are Conservatives. All of us. Every one of us.

Artists Rendition

We need something that will symbolize our core beliefs. Something that says we don't need high school diplomas, an educated populace, or imagination. Something that shows how very very very very important this holiday is to our souls and spiritual well being. We need something that truly represents all of that and so much more. Something that is Christmas in Alberta in the year 2012.

Well, now we have it. Now we have the Christmas Capybara!

Merry CHRISTmas!

Christmas Penguins

Over the years Christmas traditions have changed. Santa Claus has gown into a jolly cross cultural icon with a wonderfully soft white beard and a belly like a bowl full of jelly. Donder became Donner, don’t ask about Blixem. We stand by as the corporate world turns Christmas into an orgy of packaging and spending.

In the face of all this my family is carving out a version of Christmas with our own symbols of peace, love, harmony and magic. And this is good.

But really, penguins?

When did penguins become a symbol of good will? How did they manage to infiltrate Christmas? Who is on their public relations team? Who are their stylists?

Did it start with Coca Cola and their advertisements showing polar bears and penguins frolicking together? Whose genius idea was that? Has climate changed pushed the North Pole right into the South Pole?

The whole Christmas experience is a northern one. Reindeer are a northern animal. There are no magical elves in the southern hemisphere. Santa Clause lives at the North Pole although there is debate around whether it is the geographic or magnetic North Pole. Recent evidence showing the magnetic North Pole is slipping from the top of the globe will present some logistical problems for Santa, but if you can get eight reindeer to fly you should be able to handle the inconvenience of polar relocation.

The thing is, no matter how much the North Pole has moved it is still not the South Pole and there are no penguins at the North Pole. They have not migrated, emigrated or otherwise been displaced.

Penguins have never made it into our popular mythology. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, while seemingly anatomically unlikely, did not join in the Reindeer Games. There is no mention of penguin games. Cupid and the Easter Bunny have completely shunned the lowly penguin.

They are not even the right colours. Christmas is about green and red. Penguins are black and white. True, they are both dichromatic, but Christmas incorporates so many more colours to underscore its meaning. Penguins ultimately do not. Sure there is some shading and highlights, but penguins are still black and white.

Look at who they are displacing. When was the last time you heard anything about the Christmas seal? It has been a while! Seals are cute, at least when they are babies and before they are clubbed. The arctic fox is beautiful, all white and sly. Sure they have the carnivore thing to overcome but penguins aren’t strictly vegetarian either. The polar bears that the penguins are supposedly cavorting with have more than a little gristle stuck in their teeth. And who ever considers the walrus.

I don’t want it to seem like I have an anti-penguin bias. They have their place in the world; it is just not here, at Christmas. I am sure there is some strange holiday that incorporates penguins although I cannot image what a flightless waddling bird might symbolize.

So please, let’s set aside the nasty penguin and keep the mammal in Christmas!

Compare

Another time frame I am pretending approximates a week and another word.

It‘s like comparing apples to oranges. It does seem pretty obvious but in the cliché lives the definition. In composing the image it became necessary to editorialize. Trying to find objects I could use as props was a bit of a challenge. Symbolism can be a challenge. And there are no Beaver Nuts.