Saturday, November 3, 2012

By popular demand...


Halloween is done. Now there are no more consumer relevant holidays until Christmas. Fortunately we can exercise our free market rights between now and then by shopping until our credit limits have been bloodied and beaten. Of course nothing has come to symbolize those rights more than the jolly old elf himself, Santa Claus. But Santa Claus is so old school. Not edgy. Not dangerous. Not patentable.

One of the true blessings that has come from combining democracy with free markets, besides the complete negation of our own humanity, is the ability, nay the requirement, to adapt all things to the service of the gods of marketing.

Take the lowly penguin for example. You cannot use it for food, unless you are shipwrecked on Elephant Island, just ask Shackleton. You cannot be used for clothing, they do not go with anything you own. We have been totally unsuccessful training them to flip hamburgers, so they are of no use to the service industry.

But wait. We can use them for marketing. They certainly have no bearing on Easter, or Queen Victoria's birthday but how about Christmas. Perfect! Penguins are cute and entirely meaningless in that context so lets use them to market Christmas.

But wait. We are in Alberta. And we are Albertans. We have our own mythology. We believe in the ethics of hard work, determination, the individual, god and sparkly vampires. We are not like those communists in B.C. and Saskatchewan, we are Conservatives. All of us. Every one of us.

Artists Rendition
We need something that will symbolize our core beliefs. Something that says we don't need high school diplomas, an educated populace, or imagination. Something that shows how very very very very important this holiday is to our souls and spiritual well being. We need something that truly represents all of that and so much more. Something that is Christmas in Alberta in the year 2012.

Well, now we have it. Now we have the Christmas Capybara!

Merry CHRISTmas!

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Spare the rod and spoil the logic


I recently saw a blog post about using corporal punishment with children. All the studies I have seen reference in blogs seem to show a negative correlation between spanking and general well being.

In the comments section that followed the post a lot of people disputed those findings. Every one of those commentators turned out fine because they had been spanked as children. They weren't spanked excesively, just enough to teach them a lesson. I am sure the studies showing all the benefits of spanking are being supressed by the liberal bleeding heart inteligencia.

The other thing that became apparent is how recent a development personal and societal problems really are. Before, when spanking was widespread, everyone grew up respecting everyone around them. There seemed to have been no problems with violence, crime or mental illness. Of course now that some parents don't spank their children problems with violence, crime and mental illness are rampant. The guilt I feel for having caused these problems runs very deep although I am not sure how not spanking my son, TroubleMaker, relates to spousal abuse, theft, murder, war, and depression on a global scale.

I was impressed the powers of logic and reason the people who had been spanked were able to bring to the entire discussion. Besides the idea that they all turned out just fine, there is also the concept that a little bit of violence makes an effective and efficient teaching tool. To be honest I had never really considered that possibility. When I think of the minutes I wasted showing the babysitter how to use the television remote when I could have just slapped her around a bit, I am astounded. Why did I have to go to the trouble of showing my wife how to use an orbital sander when I could have just slapped her around a bit? Did I need to waste my time showing my 79 year old mom how to use her cell phone when I could could have just slapped her around a bit? I have to admit I am rethinking the idea of asking my wife any questions about cooking.

The fact that everyone who has ever been spanked has turned out okay really shows how wrong it is not to use violence when training children. And the ability to realize that once corporal punishment is no longer used all forms of discipline become meaningless really showed how well versed the pro-spanking group is on the subject of human development.

I had never previously understood the relationship between fear and respect. It seems that without fear there can be no respect. Communication, love and even respect itself are simply tools used by bleeding heart social liberals to undermine the fabric of our orderly and sound way of life. It is only through the broad appilcation of fear that we can keep those who know best in positions of power, which is exactly where they should be because they know best. We know they know best because they have told us. They know how to use fear.

One other point that seemed to be constantly made is that any new knowledge is bad. Everything was always better back then. Especially when people were spanked!

The only thing I don't understand is if hitting your child occasionally is good, then how come hitting anyone you please isn't better? It has to be better. So in considering all the arguements that were presented I have detemined a useful set of guidelines anyone can use before hitting someone else:
  • Only use enough force to make your point.
  • Only use enough force to cause just enough pain.
  • Only use violence against those weaker than you.
  • Only use violence when it is too much work to do something positive.
  • Only use violence when you want to teach someone a lesson.
  • Always make sure you backstop your reasoning for uising violence with ignorance and supersition.
  • Only use violence when it is for someone's own good.


All things were better back then, and it is obviously spanking that acheived that for us so I think adopting any regressive thinking will in fact benefit all of us in the long term! 

Sunday, June 17, 2012

June 17, this year




My fifth Father's Day and not a single belt sander or skill saw (you don't know how thankful I am), but neither was there a motorcycle or new motorhome.

For the past few days we have been gearing up for Father's Day. TroubleMaker loves to give gifts and he is good at it. From my Oilers cap to my weird orange Halloween cat, he has always worked very hard to pick out gifts he feels are appropriate and he always does it with the enthusiasm and logic only a child can bring to the activity. They weren't things I would have chosen for myself but I treasure them. So today he got me a spotters guide to World War II aircraft and a kit for making paper airplanes.
This got me to thinking and as often as that gets me into trouble I felt today it might be a worthwhile exercise. As much as I like to be praised and honoured regardless of whether it is deserved, I think Father's Day also imposes some requirements on us, the fathers. It is a time when each of us can take a moment and consider what being a father means. What are we trying to teach our children? What kind of people would we like them to be? What can we do to be better fathers to our children? It is time Father's Day meant something more than a card.